I’ve got a measuring stick. It is made up of goals not achieved. Of expectations that I should be saner, calmer, more compassionate, more ambitious, more involved.
I have a sexy voice. You have a sexy voice. The lift I took this afternoon had a definitely sexy way of saying “Foth Flo-wah”. One of my favourite comedians, Michelle Wolfe, has a sexy voice. And by that I don’t mean our other voices.
I have a voice for friends – mellow, punctuated by laughter. A voice for work. A voice when I’m teaching or presenting. A voice for videos. And — my sexy voice.
This has had little chance to come out in the past year or so. I typically save it for phone calls.
So this week is a classically hard one for me as Mother’s Day loomed up and needed to be dealt with. I say this because it was on Mother’s Day three years ago that Paul couldn’t get his steak down and his mum and I told him he was going to the doctor if we had to drag him there unconscious.
I also found out that a brilliant friend of mine, with whom I bonded over edtech and depression, had succumbed to the burden that state involves and decided lights out was the right option. In doing so she put out a light for the many people she’s touched in her life.
I feel I’ve reached a new stage of my life. I was very ill a few months ago and realised some harsh truths.
Amongst them – life inherently has no purpose. It’s an old thread. Are we “spiritual” beings in biological bodies? Or are we biological beings with a “spiritual” nature?
My definition of spiritual is metacognitive, the part of our brain that can not only observe our thought patterns but observe the observance of those thought patterns.
When I was a child I remember a story called “The Plain Princess”. The core message was similar – find pride and joy in creating, doing and being of service — not from looks or consumption or power over others.
This little video/advert is titled “How to Find Your Passion” but there is something in it that struck me deeply.
The message regarded how one creates dopamine/joy in life.
Today I was late for work and it seemed like there was a good reason for it.
No, I’m not talking about the reason being that I fell back asleep. Or then got lost in thought as I pet my amorous cats. It was what happened after I left the house.
What if it could be
That an ordinary woman like me
Could make a leap and a try
And suddenly – I could fly?
Christmas. I want to like it again. I went in the shop yesterday and the music and food and decorations made me run out as quickly as I could before I cried. I went home and drank wine again, sat on the sofa and played a phone game until 12 0am this morning.
I AM looking forward to seeing my friends in NSW, to getting away from memories and making new ones. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas since Paul died is bringing something different in terms of mindset.
I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. It takes me a while to get relaxed enough and then I wake up early.
I’ve got some worries. Still learning financial literacy. Wondering if I want a significant other or not. And concerns about my health.
I want vitality. Enough to lose weight, strengthen my limbs, think clearly. And for the past several months I didn’t have a sleeping problem. I had two other problems:
A month or so ago I cut the last tie I had to Paul’s family. I won’t go into detail. Suffice it to say, my heart was broken and the only way to protect it is to be protective at the cost of hurting someone else’s heart.
Around that quite emotional time, I became aware that I’d misplaced my ring. The opal ring I bought up in Cairns when Paul and I had our last holiday together (our last trip together was in an ambulance).