Angry Tuesday

the-scream

I am so angry right now.

My husband has stage IV oesophageal cancer that has metasticised to the lymph nodes and his liver is riddled with it. He has perhaps 18 months, maybe 24. I am fighting not to express this anger to people around me. I am an atheist and have no false comforts.

Some person who is a FB “friend” today posted that she’d gotten a great deal on a car and “wasn’t God good”? I would have slapped her if she’d been in the room. People are dying all over the world and her god gives a shit if she gets a deal on a car???

I’m angry at clueless people telling me to take it day by day. Don’t they know how looooong my days are? And when I come home, right now my husband and I are only doing what it takes to distract ourselves because when we talk about him dying it hurts so damned much we can’t stand it!

I feel like there is a monster just under my skin, ready to rip out of me and roar. I want to scream, smash things, fling vile epithets at well-meaning people and not be a member of any club that would have me as a member. I feel weak that I’m not stronger. I feel revolted that I think of life after him with fear. I feel sickened at the thought of perhaps having to date again – what singles are left in the 50 and over crowd except the wounded and the predators? And I feel afraid of having to be alone. And that makes me angry.

We were supposed to have 40 MORE YEARS. There were no fscking symptoms. He had a cough and then a little problem swallowing. The next thing we know it’s a death sentence.

Angry – you goddamn well bet! What am I supposed to do with all this anger?

One Reply to “Angry Tuesday”

  1. Hi kerry. The “day at a time” stuff is a sincere wish, not a trite comment. If you don’t learn to stay in the present as much as possible or pace yourself you’ll go nuts and you’ll miss stuff you may need to pay attention to. And of course i don’t know how the fuck to do that either but it’s something that will help you if you can force yourself. Some days it’s moment by moment – a full day too overwhelming.

    I don’t know what to say about the anger. Maybe go to a remote beach and scream it out of your system? Cars are a good place to let it out also but be careful as you could hurt your throat if you yell too hard. Crying in the shower is sometimes helpful and other times just punching the mattress until you’re worn out. What you’re going through is hideous. The only way out will be through and that sounds like hippie shit but it’s true.

    I’m so sorry about what you and paul are going through. If nothing else, there are many of us who will listen to you whatever it is you need to say or express and be with you both in their hearts.

    Best wishes, roseg

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