There is a part of me that will always belong to him. It’s not just the slice of time we shared together, it’s who he was and I was in that slice of time and who we were together. No one else will ever know or have that part of him or me.
I exist outside that slice of time now and it makes me sad that I will not know who he would have been or who I would have been if he hadn’t died.
I am happy more often than despairing but I am also more neutral than either of those. Some would see this as an achievement. I see it as just accepting the fact that I’m alone a lot and trying not to be dragged down by it. I try not to let it leak out into other parts of my life, this neutrality that has its own shades and nuances – from numbness to completely not in touch with my inner self.
Someone I just met told me I live inside my head too much – let alone the people who know me telling me that. That’s why I need to get into my writing more- just watching TV isn’t enough. And I love exercising now – so more of that will help, but perhaps with listening to audio books.
Dating is starting to happen for me. I hope it gets easier. Trying to figure other people out when they don’t communicate as I’m used to – it’s tiring and confusing.
I’m happy that I am positive enough about wanting to live and build a life for myself that I’m at this stage. But the pain is there, the slice of time trapped in crystal that is embedded in my heart. I wouldn’t remove it despite the pain because in that sharp shard of crystal lie the memories and love that will never be anyone else’s.