What do I want, anyway?

Okay, I really want to change my life. I want to change what I do. So the first thing is to be clear, really clear, on what I want.

Here’s the thing: I’m not.

I say I want to travel – but do I? Or do I just want to escape? A bit of both obviously, but I need to get clearer. Really unpack things.

I am not happy here at my desk today – but would I really be happier at home? Doing nothing? Unemployed? No, I wouldn’t be. I would be worried about money, sleeping all the time because I want to escape.

What do I want to escape? Is it life post-Paul I want to escape? No, I’ve chosen to live this life. So, what is it I really want?

I want ——- rest. That’s all my brain can kick out? Rest? Fun? Something to look forward to?

I say I want adventure but why? What does that even mean?

I want money to pay off my debts. That’s why I have a job.

I want to be healthy. Thinner. Have better teeth. Those aren’t goals exactly — I can work towards them, but it takes a lot of concentration and mental energy.

I want to write – or so I say. But I never do it beyond these self-explorations of mine.

I want to be loved and love back. But when that happens, then what? And is love an outcome or a goal or a bit of both?

I want to laugh and drink wine in the shade – to swim in crystal clear waters in a snorkel mask, to see strange fish and brightly coloured coral. To learn about new cultures, taste new food, explore historical sites where castles and civilisations and temples stand and stood.

I want to see the world from space – or as high up as they’ll let a 50 something year old women get.

I want to lose myself in beautiful experiences, to feel at one with the earth’s beauty.

Losing myself. That’s what I want to do. It all comes down to escape, doesn’t it? Escape from what?

From getting older? Maybe. From being overweight? Perhaps. From loneliness? Could be. From emotional pain? Possibly. From not knowing what the fuck I want? DEFINITELY.

So I want to escape from myself because I don’t know what I want. All I know is I want to stop feeling confused about something so important. I know it changes all the time – it doesn’t stop me from being afraid of not knowing.

I know I want financial security. Love. A pleasant, quiet place to live. Nice food to eat, nice clothing to wear. Money to enjoy myself. Friends that love me and whom I love. Emotional and mental and physical stimulation and activity. Warm but not hot weather. A beach nearby.

I know I want to be a kind person. An honest, authentic, compassionate, loving, open person. I want to stop being in physical and emotional pain. I want to help others achieve their potential.

I have a burning urge to pull the plug on the life I have – to reboot it and see where that takes me. Because that will give me other things to think about than what I have now. Which is a huge question mark over the rest of my life, blotting out anything and everything.

How do I find my way? How do I get at the heart of what I want? How do I change the urge to run away into the drive to build what I want?

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