And I’m not talking 20 or 30 or more years ago when I was young and foolish. I mean a few days ago.
Why I sought alternative council involved two events. A few weeks ago I had my first “vision” or hallucination. I saw a beautiful, old, First Australian near the river by my home. He was amazing – long white beard and hair, a sad but kind expression and an incredible cloak. The cloak had the scales, hide, fur and feathers of what I sensed was every living creature in Australia. He was so regal – I thought, if this is what God is – I’m in. Then, this week – I saw another old man’s face in a tree. I hadn’t been thinking of the previous event – it just came up.
So, I went to see a lovely lady I’ve seen a few times before. The very first time we were both considerably younger. She was a pale, red- haired, peacefully beautiful women – slender and lovely. She had such a wonderful energy about her! I talked to her about a year ago but don’t remember, through a veil of grief, what we discussed really. So I met with her today. I shuffled cards, she dealt them and we talked about life. My life and life in general. She asked questions and read the cards accordingly.
My key takeaways were:
- I’m going to figure things out. And be happier for it.
- I WILL find someone again but FIRST
- I need to do more work. On myself. My grief journey. My physical self. My creative self and my spiritual self. My spiritual self needs lots of re-jigging. I shut her down a while ago and only let her out in whimsical moments or low points. She’s stiff and confused. I need to meditate and give her room to grow again. (these are filtered and in my words)
- I need to work through things I want step by step. There is no magic fix. (Ironic, yeah I know). Money smarts – I’ve got a feted book with specific instructions. I’m going to follow it like a fucking religion. Writing. If I want to be a writer I need to do more — WRITING. Write, all the time. Do it. Shut up the inner fuckwit and quit procrastinating.
Look, these are probably no more than I could have gotten elsewhere. But that’s the form I needed it in.
And, she said that Paul is part of my team. Still. That, I kinda liked. Because even through a non-spiritual lens, it’s true.
I find most of the stuff that is said to be “metaphysical” like spells and mantras — are really just ways to re-wire your brain and set it on a goal quest. What is my “spiritual” self?
I like what Richard Dawkins said the other night on Bill Maher’s show. He said that he thinks of the word soul as those moments that satisfy that in us that craves beauty and connection. When we hear passionate, stirring music – or watch a sunset or come upon a beautiful view. I’d also add in those moments when we feel like we’re right where we’re supposed to be and those peak moments of bliss when everything aligns.
That I still feel Paul is spiritual sure – but spiritual in the sense that even the echo of the love we shared is powerful. He changed me forever – making me more rational, more thoughtful, at once both kinder and yet better able to excise people from my life who intentionally hurt me.
Will I go back to her? Most likely not. But I’m not sorry I went. Not even ashamed.